I Think I Can, I Think I Can…

In my mind, keeping up with my personal blog should be an easy thing: sit down, write about whatever I want, the end. When I am working so many different jobs for so many different people, though, it’s hard to remember that I am responsible to myself as well.

I have two graduate courses plus a handful of writing and editing jobs (including writing a second promotional book for a client), and also run a business, albeit a small one: I am responsible to a dozen people on any given day and pride myself in being prompt and efficient. My personal work just keeps getting pushed further down the to-do list. This is a rare zen moment for me, and I wanted to take this time to figure out why NOW is better than THEN for writing this post.

The first and most obvious reason is that I am recovering from a particularly nasty flare-up of my behcets. These bouts force me to de-stress or risk permanent damages. It’s like having someone put a gun to your head and saying, “Relax. It’s all good.” I know I need to relax, but the concept of “taking it easy” with my work stresses me out, which makes my condition worse, which forces me to try and relax, and on and on and on. Thank goodness pain killers and cortisone shots, though–once the pain abates, the cycle can finally unravel and the de-stressing can begin.

This absurd cycle does help me put things into perspective, though: yes, I have assignments due, but my teachers are understanding of how debilitated I’ve been, and minor extensions on school work won’t negatively affect anyone but myself (though it may eat into my professors’ spare time a bit–sorry!). Once school is under control, then I have to think about my money-making endeavors. I am incredibly grateful to one particular client for understanding my condition and remaining to committed to hiring me, despite the two-week-long set back. Knowing that I have earned enough faith to warrant this extension was a huge load off my back.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my boyfriend and his support. I’m probably a pain in the butt on a normal day, but he is an absolute saint for putting up with me when I have a behcets flare-up. I feel like I’m whiny and needy, but he still helps me out and helps me relax. The truth is–the one that I hate admitting and is at the center of the cruel stress-circle–is that I AM needy (and probably a little whiny). Once it clicked in my head that I NEEDED the break, that I was not in control of the situation and NEEDED to ask for help, everything fell into place.

I hate feeling helpless and useless and needy, but it’s amazing the support that I found when I finally spread my arms, fell backward, and trusted people to catch me. My friends, colleagues, clients–they were all there for me, reminding me to take care of myself and ask for help when I need it.

So here I am, putting my blog at the top of my list, right after my health, and already feeling a thousand times better. The cortisone injection probably helped, but thanks for setting me straight, everyone.


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